Cancer....

Not many singular words can strike the fear in the heart of men and women as the big C can. Cancer, just saying the word can give instant visions of the most unpleasant kind. Cancer runs in my family. My father succumbed to it in 1991 at the tender age of 59, and it was the first really big death I encountered in my life.  The memories are painful and the sight of someone whose body has been ravenged by cancer and treatment shakes me to my core.
My brother suffered through stage 4 colon cancer and won the hard fought battle, but the threat of the war will always remain and he will forever be in the throws of battle ready prep. My Uncle who was my rock during my fathers illness, is now too suffering the wrath of this monster that knows no bounds, young,old,big, little, black, white, boy, girl, rich, poor, father, mother, brother, sister, son or daughter.We all have the monster inside of us.  Some of us are lucky enough for it to remain dormant forever, for others it awakens and begins its ravenous unrelenting journey, consuming all it its path. The physical pain is unimaginable for the victims, and for their loved ones the emotional pain is unbearable.  The helplessness that everyone feels is numbing and the fear at, who, and when it may rear its head again, unnerving. We know it likes families, like most diseases, we tell ourselves it won't happen to us, but secretly fear its unknown arrival, if not with us with family we love. When I listen to the news from Japan about the radiation, it makes me ache a pain that only someone who has faced cancer in their family can understand.  They are faced with something that is not genetic but total blind chance.  Life can be funny that way, the unexpected is really all we can depend on.
We must struggle to live our lives fully and without the predisposition of what may or may not happen.
We are here for a reason, each of us, and we touch the lives of those around us in the most profound ways we can never imagine or understand. I think that is the way it is supposed to be.
We need to seek to embrace our lives and the unknown, the fear and the joy, the sadness and happiness, because life is fleeting, we are here but for a brief moment, and we need to live fully the life we are given.
I like to believe we live many lives in our journey to sit at the right hand of God, each with a purpose and a lesson to be learned. I want to live this life to the fullest and fulfill my journey learning the lessons I am given and leave behind a very small footprint that will cumulatively get me one step closer to my destination.
One small step for me, one giant step for my journey...... 

A little encouragement

Tonight my husband Mike told me about his dream last night, and it made me happy. Out of the blue he told me last night he dreamed that I wrote 3 books that were published and he told me what they were about.  He went on to tell me they were best sellers.  I have always had a nagging desire to be a writer, but I have never made an attempt to really try writing until this blog.  I have been struggling with the blog lately not only because I have not felt well but because I have not received any feedback from people close to me.  It made me feel I might be traveling down a wrong road.  I know we do not need others to validate us, but the encouragement helps to make us believe in ourselves more and have stronger convictions to accomplish things in our lives we feel we need to, but have great reservations in doing. I started this blog to log my journey in losing weight and gaining financial freedom, but the underlying by-product was I could write in a public forum.  I have 3 major things I am working on.  All of them are extremely difficult and trying in their own respect, but somewhat balancing in others. A balancing act of 3 things(financial, physical, thought to paper)keeps you extremely occupied, without becoming obsessive with one.  With my type of personality, I need the diverse thoughts and tasks to maintain the delicate balance of chaos in my mind. Of course it can make sleeping a challenge at times, turning off your mind...not a easy task.  Too bad we don't have a on/off switch, that would be great for sleep........Thanks Mike... I needed that encouragement......

Bodies not cooperating

Just a note to let everyone know I have not been blogging everyday because I am not feeling well.  I believe my thyroid is out of whack again which is causing me to have a continuous headache and I am very tired all the time.  Every couple of years now it seems to go wacky.  Hopefully it will get under control soon.


 Just wanted to let you all know, I'm here just slower than usual and not quite on my game.

its friday........

I thought Friday would never come. Mainly because its been a week of reports, or I should say a particular report that has been like a boomerang and found its way back to my desk one too many times. But it is done at least for the weekend, and I am going to enjoy two days without work and reports. Friday, the most wonderful day of the week.  So I will go for now, unwind and enjoy it......

Question........

How many of us are confident enough to question instead of accepting things quietly?  I would venture to say not enough of us.  Life should be lived, questioning everything, until you are comfortable with the answer you are getting. So many times people will accept what they are told even though they don't agree or understand. We should always question if we need to, even if we do not get the response we want to hear. Questioning is how we understand others and they understand us. When we don't listen to our inner voice, life becomes about compliance and complacency instead of growth and understanding.  It is very freeing to ask the questions in a frame of mind that whatever the answer, you are gaining something from the asking.  

Rules of questioning,
Never ask what you do not really want to know, don't ask if you really do not care, always ask in a way that is respectful not condescending, and always be prepared for the answers you might get.  Remember to be a good questioner and a good answerer......

Ask away America......???????????????

A measure of true success,,,,,,,contentment

How many of us can truly say we are content with our lives? How many of us say we are, without ever really meaning it? What is contentment?
Contentment is a state of mind.  Sounds easy doesn't it. But it is far from easy and elusive as hell. We can find it difficult to be satisfied in a society that operates media 24/7 and the newest, best, biggest and brightest, I can't live without you thing is just within reach.  Why have long hair if short hair is in? House too small? You need a McMansion. Clothes out of style?  You have hundreds of stores to choose your new wardrobe from. Need more money to buy it all?  There are a thousand loan opportunities that await you. We spend a large portion of our lives seeking what we do not have, and once we get it, we start seeking the next thing we can't do without.
We have even become a society of disposable love, multiple partners, if things get tough or complicated or boring we move on to another. 
 Contentment is a state of mind that requires work on our part. We cannot just seek contentment, we must work to achieve it.  We must train ourselves to be still and quite and understand what we are seeking to obtain.  We then need to evaluate the level of need.  Do I need this or want it?  What will change in my life if I obtain it?  Will I lose something in order to gain what I desire?  Often times we don't put the work required into determining what we want and the impact from that is we end up not satisfied.  In the last few months I really thought what I wanted was a new car.  Our cars are old and often times will need maintenance. After researching, seeking, calculating and thinking about the long term commitment, I decided I was quite content with what I have. I have even gone as far as calculating, with average repairs the money I will save monthly.  After working through the whole process, I can truly say my contentment at keeping what I have is quite satisfying.  I am finding in my older age, I am the only one that can fulfill my own state of contentment. There is nothing I can buy or change or seek that will provide me contentment unless I let it.  It is difficult to achieve and maintain the contentment that our society continually wants us to question.  That is why we are the only ones that can achieve the contentment we seek. We need to take ownership of that and stop allowing others to dictate what is suppose to make us happy.  Remember, contentment is achieved a little at a time so always make the effort to put in the work that helps you to make the decisions that are best for you.

Really?......Soapbox here I come...

I just can't help it, I am jumping on my soapbox so bare with me. As a person who worked for 13 years at the American Red Cross, I feel I can be considered versed enough on the subject of disasters to speak from the box. I am and continue to be very disappointed at our news media's reporting spin on the recent Japanese disasters. The first thing I would like to point out is the word "disasters", not only did they have a 8.9 earthquake, and a tsunami that destroyed everything in its path, they are now facing radiation contamination. I find our news media's desire to continually put a spin on how that affects Americans appalling. How about concentrating on the victims that are experiencing the unimaginable, and trying to survive it.  We are fortunate that not many of us can say we have lost everything we own ,including our sense of safety at where we are living. They are expecting in excess of 20,000 people have lost their lives, and our media has spent two days reporting over and over again about the first American casualty. Please do not get me wrong I feel the deepest sympathy at the loss the family is facing.  It is the continuous reporting of it  that screams, this American is more important than the 20,000 others that have been lost.  We are a kind and compassionate nation and I think this misrepresents our compassion for all people. Not to mention they spent over a week discussing what if we were to have a nuclear accident and will any radiation reach America.  One day on these subjects would have sufficed, and not made us appear to be unconcerned at the plight of those in such dire straits. Losing everything to things beyond ones control is devastating, peoples compassion and help are necessary, something that cannot be done without.  Let us remember above all else people are precious, and life is fleeting, and compassion for one another a virtue that will serve you above all else in this world and beyond...... Climbing down now before someone pushes me...

End of the Monday

I wanted to try to catch up on my writing so I will be doing more than one entry on the days I feel inspired.As far as Mondays go it wasn't so bad.  Monday reports, Monday complaints, and Monday inspirations as this Monday was the first day of Spring. The weather was perfect, the flowers were vibrant and the attitudes for the most part were hopeful.  Spring has a way of doing that , giving us hope.  Hope that the warm weather is here to stay, that everything that was dead, dark and gray will now start to burst with buds of color.  The spring bulbs are in full bloom in an array of yellow, purple and pink. Tempting us to pick them but reminding us they need to remain in order to keep spring in the air long enough to turn into summer. The birds are starting to sing and I even saw some very small butterflies(or moths) that were bright blue fluttering close to the ground begging me to look down at the green clover and grass. I took a few moments today to breathe in the spring air as this Monday was better than most as it brought with it the long awaited spring.

Starting Monday

Monday, mundane,muck, all such things come to mind when thinking of Monday. Why do we dislike Mondays? Maybe we are giving Mondays a bad rap. When I think of Mondays, on Monday morning I can't think of anything good, weekends over, too many calls today, problems from the weekend, reminder that I still have 5 days to go until the weekend. But Mondays usually come and go quickly and leave us exhausted, and then the good news is its Tuesday, and only 4 more days to the weekend. But we need to remember at least once a year, Monday gets to be glorious. Nothing feels better than a Monday on the week of  our vacation, 5 wonderful, carefree days. On that Monday we hope it will go by slowly, and we are a little sad to see Tuesday come because then we only have 4 days left. Unfortunately todays not a vacation week for me so heres to the other kind of Monday hope it comes and goes quickly for us all.....

Hiatus over

Hiatus over.  I am back after taking a while off.  I was really struggling to write. I had to spend some time on introspect.  That is a scary place to be, looking at yourself from the inside out. The real question of the day may be what did I discover? I discovered that no matter how much you want to do something, like lose weight, write or be financially stable, that has to translate into an overwhelming desire to change, and ultimately a lot of hard work.

Going against your nature, and staying committed to the change you want.  Is harder than it sounds.  Until you are determined to face yourself, the battle is a mute point.  Looking at yourself, I mean really looking, facing the things that you don't like about yourself, the things that scare you because they look back from your subconscious and demand to be reckoned with.  Those are the things about ourselves that we can get very comfortable ignoring, until they become bigger than who we really are.  They start to define us in a way we do not want to be defined.  That can be scary as hell, and taking the steps to take control of yourself back, monumental.  People face these battles everyday, some win and some lose, the real worth is in the trying.  Nothing stays the same forever, so conquering something like weight remains an ongoing battle.So the good days and the bad days come and go, and I have to be determined to keep going with them. Finances are better, weight about the same, and writing, lets just say I have some ground to make up.  But tomorrows another day and another chance to get it right. "Tomorrow, tomorrow I love you tomorrow, you're only a day away!"(little orphan Annie)_

                                                               O well

Daddys home

Nine days the longest we have ever been apart in 30 years. I'm glad my husband is home from his business trip.  I am even more glad after all these years I still miss him.  I know there is the whole Venus, Mars thing between men and women and some people would be glad for the break from their spouse, but not me. We have grown up a lot through the years and I am glad for the life we have together, good and bad.  The time apart did give us time to remember why we love to be together and youthful excitement when we saw each other again.  I hope we never lose that feeling or each other. ....

Rain...

Yesterday was a rainy day. Many of us love rainy days. Laying in the bed, listening to the rain on a tin roof, helps you to drift away into the most peaceful of sleep. When an unexpected rain storm comes through at night it is always a treat. Drifting to sleep by the rain beat.  So may companies have tried to find ways to reproduce the sound on machines, cds, in rain sticks but nothing compares to the original. A rainy day should translate into an instant day off from work to oversleep in your bed. Of course people in England or Seattle would never get anything done as it rains quite often there, I am almost certain they don't relish the raindrops the way I do. Spring rain brings forth the beauty of new blooms and green grass, summer rain brings mud puddles and a cool break from a sunny day. How about a walk on the beach before the rain starts when the smell of the impending rain is thick in the air.  Or a quick shower on a forest walk dripping off the leaves. Of course rain is not so wonderful when your driving or walking in a torrential downpour, which just reinforces the whole day off when it rains thing. Wishful thinking can help you squeeze an extra five or ten minutes in the bed as the rain dances off the roof.... pure bliss..... and lets not forget the beauty of the rainbow that it often leaves behind, a whimsical dream of translucent colored beauty, and maybe even a pot of gold.

Moms

Had a great day with my mom today.  My mom is an awesome lady. We have had our problems along the way, but I am glad to say we have both grown and matured in our relationship and have learned to get past them. Two head strong women with similar personalities are a mixture that requires aging to reach perfection, just like a fine wine that has its start as sour grapes. Not to say we still don't butt heads occasionally, but we have learned to accommodate each others shortcomings with compassion instead of anger. Moms work hard, love hard, and care, defend and worry about their children always, and my Mom is no exception.  She spends a lot of her "retirement" time, helping my family with daily life. She adores my children and they adore her.  I am glad they have each other.  They are able to share things that can't be shared with parents, but have a special place with a grandparents.  They are fortunate to have her and her them. She has earned a special standing with her family, she not only tells us she loves us but she shows us everyday.  She is strong willed and never gives up, she is more active than women 1/2 her ages.  I hope she knows how much I love and admire her, I try to tell and show her every day. Mothers can't be replaced, not the good ones......I hope I am on my way to greatness in that arena one day.  Remember your mothers and fathers today and everyday.

Now thats entertainment....

Hollywood, Bollywood, stage, music books we love all forms of entertainment. It helps us to escape. We can feel the emotions with the characters, share their laughter and tears. We are able to learn about life in condensed form, from birth to death and everything in between. We can love, hate, relate, befriend and believe in people from a safe distance.  We can romance about the perfect life, and see a perfectly good life fall into ruins and rise again to glory. We can see a beloved book come to life on the screen or crash and burn into a cinematic failure. We day dream about the stars and imagine them really being the characters they portray.  Our reality is designed to need a little escape now and then, a time to break from the necessities of life to enjoy the pleasures of the escape.  Where the endings are happy, the reality is not real and we can choose to participate or not ,a lot or a little, for a short or long time in the stories that unfold.  We can pause entertainment and save it for later, a chance that real life never gives us. We have do overs, and under done's, with the consequence of our time spent always being purely for entertainment, a guilty pleasure very few of us can do without. So after a long day of life, enjoy a cup or two of  entertainment.... You will be glad you did

Pocket Full of Sunshine..

Ever had a pocket full of sunshine?  The feeling is great.  Nothing can bring you down. The planets are aligned and life is good. When you have the pockets of time in your life when all is good, it is important to revel in it and not waste it.  So many times we over analyze it, worrying about when it will end, do we deserve it and so on. Instead we need to grab hold and enjoy it as long as we can, we need to just be.....happy. We often forget how fleeting these times are, we get them long enough to create the desire to have them again. That's just life. So if today is your pocket full of sunshine day,week, month or year absorb the happiness to the fullest, don't waste one second worrying when, if or why, just be happy........It truly is a wonderful life.....good and bad.

Michael....

This is for you Michael.  31 years and counting. I love you more today than ever.  I miss you when you are gone and I can't wait until you get back. We have been together through 3 kids, good times, bad times and every thing in between.  You are the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night.  You are my true soul mate and our connection can never be broken. You are a great husband, friend, lover, father, brother and son.

You have grown into a better man than I ever imagined. I have complete confidence in your abilities to do anything you set you mind to. You work hard, and you are a great provider, never forget what you mean to me and your family. We have lived a hundred lives together and will live a hundred more.  We are old souls, connected through time and space. We talk without speaking and know when the other needs rescue. Forever will you be mine and I will be yours. I would forgo all things in life so that I will never have to do without your love. Winnie the Pooh said it best....... If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.

Back on track...

Today was the first day of my weight loss journey..... again. I decided to start being proactive again about weight loss.  I need this for me and I am going to do this for me.  Sounds selfish, but being the best you can be always comes back to feeling good about who you are.  I definitely need to work on that.  I am not looking to be the person I was 20 years ago, I am just looking to be a better me now. I ate appropriately today, I exercised, and it felt great. Why? Because using my energy to motivate myself to be better, beats using my energy to berate myself for being bad. On my other front, finances are better, and I am working hard to keep it that way. Carpooling has enabled me to find extra finances (gas savings) and motivational weight loss support. It turned out to be a huge positive from the negative of temporarily losing my self transport abilities. I can transport myself now, but I don't want to, I prefer the hidden benefits that my bad position presented.  So the moral is, every cloud has a silver lining, as long as we keep our eyes open to see it.