What goes around, comes around......

How many times have we heard that? I would have to bet more than once.  We like to think when bad things happen and people are involved that they will get whats coming to them.  What exactly would that be? Do we ever wonder if they were good people in the wrong place at the wrong time or in an impossible situation? Probably not.  We like to think that they are just where they wanted to be, doing what they want to be doing, making the choices that they want to make. Maybe so and Maybe not. That's why Gods' the almighty and not us.
The quickest way to find yourself in a position you never thought you would be in.......pass judgement on someone else.....and Shazam you will be wondering how the hell you ended up there. If what goes around comes around, does that mean we might just bump our heads on our latest mistakes?....Food for thought. So the next time you want to let judgement leave your lips......take a minute to look at the situation from a different vantage point. That might just keep God from sending you a lesson you really didn't want but most certainly needed.

Who's to Blame?

How many times can we say....here we are again.  Entirely too many.  The truth of the matter is the only person that can bring us back to somewhere we don't want to be is ourselves.  I don't want to be overweight, yet I continue to do or not do things that keep me in that pattern.  Why????.....the greatest unanswered question in the universe.  How can we change? Only with our own determination.. and a little positive reinforcement always helps. Why does it seem easier at the time to do something we know we shouldn't when the ultimate outcome is we spend a lot of time being upset because we did? It is so easy to dispense the advice that we ourselves are unwilling to heed. What makes us able to do that without overwhelming guilt?  Probably because we can't see our noises despite our face, as the saying goes. Here's to hoping all of us will be able to see our noses soon, before our view is so blocked we tumble and fall down.

A Time for Letting Go......and Hanging On....

When our babies are little they shower us with hugs, kisses and I Love You's. Now that they are older, we know we did not cherish those moments enough. How many times did our parents and other old wise family members tell us the time will pass too quickly? Too many.....and not enough.  We wait now patiently for the hug, or the peck on the cheek, the tangible of their love for us. We survive for long periods of time on the 'I Love You" we receive from our babies and no doubt they will always be our babies no matter the age, until we get the tangible....and the cycle will continue on.  They will have their own babies and we will tell them to cherish the moments of their youth, and they too will find out the hard way.  But we get second chances, to cherish the moments long gone when our children's children become the apple of our eyes, and God give us a chance for a do-over......and hopefully when it happens we get it right.....and that's what makes Grandparents so special!

 To my three babies who are on the journey to being great men!  I Love You!!!

Being truthful with thyself......

One of the hardest things for me to do..... be truthful with myself.  WOW just writing that down stings in the pit of my stomach, I actually feel a little nauseous.  Why do we lie to ourselves?  Is it a form of self preservation? Probably. But at what cost? How often do I make excuses for my shortcomings or mistakes, the answer...more often than not.  It helps me to continue with my bad habits and all the things I want to change, but in another way it helps me carry on without crushing my own self esteem.  The real trick is to balance it just enough to improve yourself a little at a time and not tip the scale the other way to your own detriment. We often think the scariest thing would be for others to know our secrets, but I think the scariest thing is for us to face ourselves and the truth of the secrets we try to hide about ourselves..... we eat too much, drink too much, bitch too much, spend too much, clean too much, don't clean enough, were to aggressive, too passive, and a million and one other things. But a question for thought, how perfect can we become? Perfection is an mirage that disappears just as we think we are reaching it. I just think I'm looking for a better me, one I don't have to lie too, just a me that I can be ok with.....in essence my imperfect me. 
Self discovery, the destination that's worth the journey....

The best laid plans of mice and men........

How many times have I committed to do something for myself, only to end up missing the mark and disappointing myself... Well the truthful answer to that is more often than not. So once again, here I am trying to make sense of why I am not where I want to be.... with my weight, my finances and so on. The energy I consume worrying about doing something is far more that it would take for me to do the things I need to do for myself.  I guess the key word is myself.  It's just so easy to disappoint myself instead of disappointing others. That is is the real root of the problem I suppose...or maybe we could just call it being human. Wanting to be better at living our lives is the nature of the beast, and every so often we succeed which allows us to continue. Some of us are further along in our journey and our successes are closer together, and our disappointments further away........and then there are the rest of us that still have a ways to go. Be patient and pray for us, and hopefully we will keep getting a little better every day..Here's to hoping,as long as were trying the odds are in our favor!

                                                              Long as we haven't run out of plans

Wow, where have I been?

I have not blogged since June 12th, and it feels like it was just a three days ago.  Its funny how time can pass and we do not have a real prospective on how long it been.  Especially when it is in relation to doing things we are not obligated to do in our jobs or immediate family relationships. I want to blog and I want to visit my extended family, but these wants always get pushed to the back of the obligations I have and often times it ends up being a shock when I stop and realize how long it has been. The real question that we face is how do we manage our lives, our obligations, and the things that we need and want so that nothing suffers.  I am not sure that this question will ever be answered with a solution that makes it all possible. One of the biggest problems of the human race, we have minds that allow us to explore vast amounts of information, have contact with many people and to have dreams and desires that are vast. On the other hand, our bodies and physical stamina only allow us to go so far before it stops us in our tracks. The old saying You can please most of the people some of the time. Some of the people most of the time, but none of the people all of the time and that includes ourselves.  We just need to work on being happier with what we can do, and know that most of the things that we feel like we need to do in order to keep the world rotating on its axis do not carry the weight we think they do. Everyone will be o.k. as long as we treat people the way we want to be treated,clean up after ourselves, and help take care of people that can't take care of themselves!

Holy Cow! oops Elephant!

One year older....

Yesterday was my birthday and I was one year older instantly. Funny how hard that instantly can hit you.  As if you were a whole year younger until the morning you wake up on your birthday.  Like I said before, perception is everything. I was feeling rather anxious the night before, but the next morning I was feeling better.  My boys gave me a great surprise, each of them purchased their own present and card for me.  The cards were very thoughtfully picked and each were a direct reflection of the relationship we have.  The gifts were also as thoughtful, things that reflected who I am, that they had noticed. I am proud of you boys and you made my day great!  My husband also did a great job and we had a great day togeather. My mother and brother and sister-in-law along with many residents and staff wished me Happy Birthday with voices and cards. I was princess for a day. I was reminded of how special I am to them and them to me, and nothing is better than that! Thank-you All!!

In the toilet again?

I know, but was it ever a Monday, that wasn't that bad? What is it about summer days that makes Monday worse and Friday 3 times farther away? Got to be the sunshine, it makes it hard to be inside. Maybe because I am gonna be another year older on Saturday, I'm feeling a little unsettled. Not really sure whats to blame, I have been feeling unsettled for a couple of weeks.  Maybe it is because summer seems to come and go so quickly, and winter falls right behind it.
But that's putting the cart before the horse, so I'm gonna sleep my way to Tuesday and a better day!

One million bugs.........

Did you know that there are about 1 million bugs to every person on the earth? For most of us we will never see but a small majority of our quota, but for people like me that's another story. My grandmother once told me that bugs like some people better because they were sweeter, I not an expert but I expect it is something in your sweat or your skin that attracts them. What ever it is, I wish I did not have it.  I attract bugs like a giant bug zapper.  I go outside, the bugs are all around me, in my eyes and trying to go up my nose.  I wish it were as easy as saying it was my perfume,deodorant or shampoo, nope, nothing helps.  Even when I cake myself with disgusting bug spray, they still find me. Big ones and little ones, so small they look like a speck of dirt, but their bite is far worse than their size insinuates. Bite, sting, pinch, I am destined to be a snack for a bug, as my husband and 3 boys, who hardly ever get bitten, look at me like I am crazy as I slap, swat and stomp away.  I would never go to the amazon or a rain forest, as I am positive I would be eaten alive. We went camping in a tent once so the boys could experience the great outdoors, they had a blast and in one night I acquired two ticks bites,a thousand mosquito bites and something I couldn't identify with too many legs to count. After one night I had to head home.  Its a wonder I have never gotten rocky mountain spotted Nile fever bird flu or something, I feel I am one dangerous bite away.... Just to clarify, I am not a crazy bug hater, I just have a extremely strong dislike of creepy, crawly, itchy, scratchy bugs when they are crawling and biting on me. Pray for me this summer that the 5 million bug quota that represents my family doesn't all find their way to me.....yuk!

It truly is an honor just to be nominated...

How many years have we heard nominees of awards say... its just an honor to be nominated? Every Emmy and Oscar nominee is heard saying it over and over again. We always question, do they really mean it?  Today is the day that I said it and I really meant it.  My residents at work nominated me for an award, and I was really honored.  The award was for, in essence, helping seniors. It meant a lot to me to know that the people I try and help everyday, thought I was doing a good job.I did not win the award, but I received something much better, the reward of knowing that what I try and do everyday to help them makes a difference in their lives. What more could I want than that? No award could ever compare to that feeling....
So pass it on, if you appreciate someone for who they are and what they do, let them know.

Never say never............

Went to see my good friend Irma yesterday.  We have been friends for years and because of so much that has been going on in our lives, we had not been able to take time to see each other and catch up.  We had a great lunch and caught up on all our news.  We even played a game of bowling and ping pong on xbox and had a blast.  When I was getting ready to leave, Irma asked me if I had received her message on my blog.  I told her I had not.  Then it happened, she said you know I was surprised you wrote a blog, I remember you saying it was something you would never do.  And that's when it hit me right between the eyes, I had absolutely said the n word, I had said NEVER.  Here I am eating my own words.  How often do we say that word, never, only to find out it turns into the reality that we have actually done it.  It is funny how often we say that word and find we forget saying it as our lives change and evolve into something different. Never is a very permanent and forceful word that we use but seldom mean for it to be forever. Every day we are faced with a new reality and our life changes, maybe a lot or maybe a little, but change just the same. So we change and adjust to our new reality and continue to move forward.  I think never can be a dangerous word for us all, and it needs to be used with the utmost of caution, because we are human after all. Being human means perfection is an illusion and we are a constant work in progress.  So here is to blogging, something I said never about but I really just meant maybe. Hopefully this will be a journey of self improvement and I will be able to change myself  in a positive way.  So Irma, here I am eating crow....... and blogging away.

Out of Town

Just got back from being out of town for a couple of days.  I had to go to Richmond to a 2 day class.  I must admit I am not the best student, and some of the presenters were not the best teachers.  Its not that the information may not be worth hearing its the presentation in which it is given.  Being a gifted teacher for others is definitely a gift that not many possess. People who do not teach all the time often forget how to be effective.  People are not generally interested in hearing how wonderful you are unless you are willing to teach them the secret of how to be wonderful too. Good teachers and mentors are always willing to teach the secrets, it gives them great satisfaction to help others grow and become better. To all the teachers and mentors that further the people that further the world, thank-you! Where would any of us be without those that sacrifice their own glory in the pursuit of the betterment of others?  And just for clarification I am not referring to Democrats, we can certainly improve peoples life's with the sharing of knowledge and that doesn't increase the deficit one penny.

News in America....or is it?

When you check the top fifty news stories of the day are you ever surprised at what rounds the top 10? I am usually always surprised. Today, number seven Arnold Schwarzenegger has a secret love child, really?  Seems that news beats out a lot of news in the middle east. Number 13 exploding watermelons in China. No mention of the looming debt payment America is about to default on to China just exploding watermelons. Makes you ponder the physic of the America people. No wonder our country is in the mess it is in and no one really seems to concerned. It seems it is more important for us to meddle in peoples marital affairs while watching watermelons explode. If oblivion equates to bliss, we as Americans must be the happiest stupid people in the world. Apparently the less we know, the better we like it.  Worrying about watermelons and Arnold won't keep me awake at night but worrying about the collapse of the dollar as the standard for world currency might.  The part we have forgotten is that problems and worry are often the catalyst that lead to solutions and real change. Maybe we should all spend a little more time worrying, so that our country's problems might find solutions and resolutions. Take 15 minutes a day to contemplate our country's future, I am sure Arnold won't mind.

We are overthinking America

At some point America put on their "Thinking Caps" and we forgot to take them off.  What do I mean by that?
We think to much about everything.  The "what if's" have become a non-ending infinity chain that has driven America to a Nannie state on steroids. We have taken our inner voice of caution and turned it into a ravenous monster that cannot be satisfied until we have the entire nation wrapped in bubble wrap and we never leave our homes. Bad things happen, and people learn from their mistakes. We have made the consequences out way the actions by a trillion times.  We have made the actions and opinions of the few control the many. If you are overweight and on welfare no sweats or soda for you.Never mind that you are the only fat person in a house of 6 people. If we want to commit death by donuts it should be our choice. And how about zero tolerance, being a stupid kid has never had such harsh consequences.   We are on board with the government micromanaging the thoughts and actions of the people, but we allow them to operate without control or consequences. Can we ever get back to a life of simplicity where when we make a stupid mistake it doesn't turn into a life changing consequence that haunts us forever?  I sure hope so, for my kids and their future kids and on and on........ Here's to a life where playing Cowboys and Indians means nothing more than your just playing and nobody gets in trouble for playing with a pretend gun, or calling someone an Indian, well you get the point.

Surprise.....

Today I had to work.  We have an audit tomorrow and I wanted to review the files in peace and quite to make sure all was in order.  I was feeling unusually anxious as the house was messy and the laundry wasn't finished.  I hated to leave the house that way knowing that I would not get a chance to do anything about it until the next weekend. I told my husband the house really needed cleaning. The dog pack has been doing a number and the house had an aroma of dirty dog.  I went to work and ended up working a full day.  On my way home I was really tired and hated the thought of coming home to a dirty house.  I came home to the most wonderful surprise, a clean house!!!  Michael and the boys had done the impossible they had really deep cleaned the house.  I can't remember ever being this proud and happy of the gang!  People will always amaze you in good and bad ways.  So here is to my amazement in a good way!! I love you guys, this was the best present ever!!!!!

Out of the Mouth of Babes....

We have all heard this saying and yesterday I heard it again like it was the first time. My youngest son said to me "Mom how come you are not writing your blog anymore?   My response was nobody was reading it. (lame, I know) His response?  Your not writing it for other people you are suppose to be writing it for yourself.....Sometimes the simplest things we should know, are the things we are totally oblivious to. He was right, this is about me and my journey, not about people reading my blog. So here I am starting to write it again. So where am I in my journey.  Well on the bright side I have lost 13.5 pounds, on the financial side well I am still working on it.  Ones journey to self discovery is riddled with potholes and pit stops and tragedies, triumphs, travesties, and typical everyday stuff.....just simply put every day life. Living it well and surviving it intact, that is the destination we are running towards everyday. Most days we are able to end the day on the right track, and a few days we have to stop to fix the track so we can resume again.  So here I am resuming again... see you tomorrow.

say yes...

Yesterday I arrived home at 6:30 pm.  On my way home my husband called and suggested we go eat dinner with our boys at college about 70 minutes away. I immediately thought something was wrong, as the kids had just left home to go back the day before.  It had been a beautiful spring day unlike the weather over the weekend, but I was inside working all day.I had daydreamed out the window a couple of times, thinking how wonderful it would be to bask in its glory. As soon as I got home, we hopped in the convertible with the top down and took off.  It was so relaxing letting the day blow away. I asked my husband why he decided to go, he told me "I just want to see the boys because I didn't get to see them this weekend as much as I wanted". Normally I might had gripped and complained when he suggested after a long day of work we take a long drive, but I thought why not.  What a wonderful way to end a Monday, just by saying yes. The dinner, the company and the drive was great. I was able to enjoy that beautiful day despite having to work. We didn't get home until 10:00 and I slept great. Normal Monday night sleep is usually quite restless. What a great change!  So next time you want to say no, evaluate the question and consider saying yes!!

its a start.......again

Friday I went to weigh in with my sister in law at weight watchers.  4 lbs. I wanted it to be more, I stuck to the plan and walked everyday but one.  I have tried hard not to be disappointed, but it seems like such a drop in the bucket.  I know it took me years to get here, I just want it to leave in a couple of months. Crazy, I know, but that is still the way I feel. But this is about the journey to get where I want to be, so I will journey and journal on. I hope next week goes better.  I know every journey starts with a single step, I would just like to have bigger feet.

Size 97 now that's what I'm talking about!!

Somethings bound to go wrong cause I feeling way too damn good...

Today was a good day. No major problems. My mother had cataract surgery, and she did great.  We had a peer review at work and it went well. My maintenance guys went to a training, and enjoyed it. Life was good.....and bad.  The old feeling we all often get that somethings about to go wrong, because things can't be that good. The truth of the matter, there are usually good and bad things happening to us all the time on a daily basis.  It usually depends on which one we are giving more attention to. Yes, I had a good day, but if I wanted to think about it hard enough,I would remember that I have 3 people in my life that are battling cancer actively right now, and it doesn't get much worse than that. As the saying goes, we are the makers of our own destiny, so it stands to reason that on a smaller scale we are the makers of the days that compile that destiny. So today, I choose to look at it as a good day, and push the bad to the back burner to lead the way on another day. The choice is ours to make on a daily basis, and we might have more better days if we conscientiously choose to predispose ourselves to the positive. This might help us to enjoy the good, everyday and find the strength to deal with the bad. The yin and yang is ever present in our daily lives and that will never change, the only real change possible is how we face the cards we are dealt, with balance, good and bad, letting neither consume us. And if the scale tips to one side or the other, let us remember tomorrow will bring us a new day to balance and life is always best handled somewhere in the middle.

                                                                  We balance the scale

Late night

Just got home from work....Long day, 13 hours...... I will check in with you tomorrow when I have enough sense to write something worth reading!

Mean people suck......

No matter how old I get, my opinion will not change, mean people suck. Some people have refined being mean to an art, an ugly art. They live each day in search of the perfect victim. Someone they can attack that will give them the satisfaction they seek, the reaction that gives them control. The philosophy they have is simple, I make you feel bad so I can feel better.  The smaller I make you become the bigger I will appear. No matter how well we know these type of people or how often we encounter them, their words can cut like a knife, and bingo, they have hit the jackpot and your upset is their coveted pot of gold. You may ask why I am rambling on about this?
I was the victim, today, yet again. Someone quite miserable, struck pay dirt with me. Why did the attack of words hit the target with me?  Because I care about the person, even though they don't want me to.  I want to help them, and do nice things for them, and I want them to appreciate the sacrifice I make to help them, that is the reward I seek. Thus, the black hole, no matter how much we want to do for other people, some where deep inside of us we want them to appreciate it, even if they never say it, we need to feel they do, it motivates us to continue. When they express to us in a mean and hurtful way, it test our resolve as to why we help.  We need to experience the emotions that the hurt creates, so we can pick ourselves up on the other side and continue to do what we can to help others....especially the mean ones. For me, that means I need to vent, and then work through it on my own, and when the sun rises tomorrow, so will my forgive and forget persona. I hope that I can always hold onto that, and never become the thing that is so upsetting, the mean person. What is the old saying "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" Here's to not killing kindness, only making it stronger. 

Three points under..

Today was the first official day for me on Weight Watchers, and I am ending the day 3 points under my allotment.  Now I have been half halfheartedly doing Weight Watchers on line since January, without a lot of success.  The difference today is I signed up to attend weekly meetings and weigh ins. Now you may ask yourself, why would that make a difference?  The answer....who wants to be a failure in front of others?  Not me. Being accountable to someone besides your self can be quite motivating.  No matter how much we think it doesn't matter, the truth of the matter is, it does. The bottom line is we can be competing for anything, and we will strive on some level to be successful. Competition is normal, natural and for the most part can be rewarding, whether or not we win or lose. Why? Because it challenges us to rise to the occasion and be the best we can be. And at the end of the day there is great self satisfaction in knowing you did the best you could in whatever you attempt. What could feel better than that......well maybe if I shed a few pounds in the process, that will be the cherry on top.

                                              I think I should definitely skip the cupcake

Cancer....

Not many singular words can strike the fear in the heart of men and women as the big C can. Cancer, just saying the word can give instant visions of the most unpleasant kind. Cancer runs in my family. My father succumbed to it in 1991 at the tender age of 59, and it was the first really big death I encountered in my life.  The memories are painful and the sight of someone whose body has been ravenged by cancer and treatment shakes me to my core.
My brother suffered through stage 4 colon cancer and won the hard fought battle, but the threat of the war will always remain and he will forever be in the throws of battle ready prep. My Uncle who was my rock during my fathers illness, is now too suffering the wrath of this monster that knows no bounds, young,old,big, little, black, white, boy, girl, rich, poor, father, mother, brother, sister, son or daughter.We all have the monster inside of us.  Some of us are lucky enough for it to remain dormant forever, for others it awakens and begins its ravenous unrelenting journey, consuming all it its path. The physical pain is unimaginable for the victims, and for their loved ones the emotional pain is unbearable.  The helplessness that everyone feels is numbing and the fear at, who, and when it may rear its head again, unnerving. We know it likes families, like most diseases, we tell ourselves it won't happen to us, but secretly fear its unknown arrival, if not with us with family we love. When I listen to the news from Japan about the radiation, it makes me ache a pain that only someone who has faced cancer in their family can understand.  They are faced with something that is not genetic but total blind chance.  Life can be funny that way, the unexpected is really all we can depend on.
We must struggle to live our lives fully and without the predisposition of what may or may not happen.
We are here for a reason, each of us, and we touch the lives of those around us in the most profound ways we can never imagine or understand. I think that is the way it is supposed to be.
We need to seek to embrace our lives and the unknown, the fear and the joy, the sadness and happiness, because life is fleeting, we are here but for a brief moment, and we need to live fully the life we are given.
I like to believe we live many lives in our journey to sit at the right hand of God, each with a purpose and a lesson to be learned. I want to live this life to the fullest and fulfill my journey learning the lessons I am given and leave behind a very small footprint that will cumulatively get me one step closer to my destination.
One small step for me, one giant step for my journey...... 

A little encouragement

Tonight my husband Mike told me about his dream last night, and it made me happy. Out of the blue he told me last night he dreamed that I wrote 3 books that were published and he told me what they were about.  He went on to tell me they were best sellers.  I have always had a nagging desire to be a writer, but I have never made an attempt to really try writing until this blog.  I have been struggling with the blog lately not only because I have not felt well but because I have not received any feedback from people close to me.  It made me feel I might be traveling down a wrong road.  I know we do not need others to validate us, but the encouragement helps to make us believe in ourselves more and have stronger convictions to accomplish things in our lives we feel we need to, but have great reservations in doing. I started this blog to log my journey in losing weight and gaining financial freedom, but the underlying by-product was I could write in a public forum.  I have 3 major things I am working on.  All of them are extremely difficult and trying in their own respect, but somewhat balancing in others. A balancing act of 3 things(financial, physical, thought to paper)keeps you extremely occupied, without becoming obsessive with one.  With my type of personality, I need the diverse thoughts and tasks to maintain the delicate balance of chaos in my mind. Of course it can make sleeping a challenge at times, turning off your mind...not a easy task.  Too bad we don't have a on/off switch, that would be great for sleep........Thanks Mike... I needed that encouragement......