What's it Worth?

How often have you thought you had something of value only to find out its not worth much? A new car loses 20% of its value as it is driven off the lot.  How about jewelry, seldom worth what you pay for it. Now in this sluggish economy, house values have plummeted, along with everything else. What is value? Oddly enough it is demand. Value is driven strongly by demand. It's only worth as much as someone is willing to pay. Another aspect to value is time and need.  How long have you had it, how quickly do you need to get rid of it, and how much does someone need or want it?  And the last most important thing to throw into the mix, what is the personal value to the owner or buyer.  Value can be highly subjective.  Point in case- a woman on the Antique Roadshow on PBS brought in a small rug that she dug out of the dumpster.  She had asked the owner was it OK to do so and they said yes they did not want it. She tried to give it to her daughter who had moved into a new house and she didn't want it.  The rug that was dug out of the dumpster was worth $150,000.00.  Wonder if they would want it now?  The internet and other media have made it easier for people to find out if they have something of value, but they again have to think it is worth something in order to take the time to look in the first place.  Of course the down side to that is that places like Ebay have made everyone's treasures assessable, flooding the market with things that were once thought rare and valuable only to make their worth plummet. You can see this value thing is very circular and uncertain, maybe that is why hoarders hold onto everything, its just entirely too scary to make the decision to let it go. So whats my point? Value is what you want it to be, so be confident in that, because after all there are lots of dumb smucks like me waiting to find a lost Picasso at the Goodwill, because for me the value is all in the hunt.

                            Not sure I would think this was worth buying if I found it.

Perfect.......is it worth it?

This morning as I again woke up to dirty house, that was relatively clean when I went to bed, it reminds me of the pursuit of perfect. Every where we look, society tells us to that our house needs to be perfect. With all the super size home improvement stores that are thriving, that equates to plenty of us that our buying into the notion of a perfect house. How many times have we used aesthetics to judge a person? Probably more than any of us care to admit to. Back in the day, our parents used things until they were used up.  They worked hard to patch, fix, and maintain things so they lasted.  Seldom did they ever think about replacing something because they did not like the way it looked.  They were thankful just to have what they had.  We now live in a age of consumerism, the likes of which we have bought into(literally) hook, line and sinker. We don't like the looks of something, even if its perfectly good, we change it, or upgrade.  Companies like this philosophy, so much so, that they make products that are made to fail.  Why, because we have no expectation or desire for it to last forever, we like new, we seek perfection. Its sad to think the craftsmanship that future generations will get from us will be nothing more than a pile of junk that needs replacing. What does all this have to do with a clean house, you ask?  Many of us work ourselves to death, worry our children and spouses to insanity, in the pursuit of a picture perfect house.  One that will be the envy of our friends and families and can rival any magazine picture.  The reality is that is near impossible and most certainly maddening. It took me a long time and a lot of heart ache to realize, a lived in home is a happy home. Now don't get me wrong, I am not talking about filthy, just lived in.  Its OK for things to be a little disheveled, for their to be a spot on the floor or laundry in the hamper. More over, peoples' personal rooms should be their ultimate sanctuary, for them to decide on, not someone else.  Again, I am not referring to filth or trash, because we all know that children and adults need to clean their rooms. I just referring to aesthetics, how they want their room, and remember perfect is in the eyes of the beholder and not society.  So ultimately you should live in your house for you and your family to be happy, and not some preconceived notion that society dictates for us. When you see a little mess or something that doesn't quite suit you, remember to evaluate the entire situation and who you are trying to please, who wants to be perfect anyway...........seems like a very lonely place to be......

 A wise old owl once told me that all that style does is go in a continuous circle.  If we hold out long enough we will be in style again..

Cars..................................

Well today I had to do it, start thinking about buying cars.  I didn't want to, but the current situation has left me no choice.  I find both of the cars my husband and I drive on their last leg.  We both have almost made it to 200,000 miles, and several years without car payments.  The thought of the process of finding cars alone is mind boggling.  Why you might ask, because the prospect of a car payment is nauseating. All the news continues to talk about is the trouble in Egypt, if the government sways and falls into the Muslim extremist hands, then the middle east will be almost completely controlled by the " death to American people".  What would be the quickest way to reach death for Americans, stop the flow of oil.  Without the flow of oil from the middle east, our country would come to a stand still in a relatively short amount of time. Think about our dependency on the oil to get  to work, transport food and goods and so on. America has become a service country, we provide lots of services, but not many goods.  Thanks to our need for cheaper and cheaper retail, we have killed our own economy of self sufficiency. No longer do we grow our own food or purchase locally grown food from our neighbors. As we face the prospect of $5.00 or more for a gallon gas in the future, how will we meet the challenge?  Will we carpool, work closer to home, or God forbid, do without some of the lifestyle we have currently grown accustomed to? Who knows.  Which brings me to my dilemma about the car situation. Not only do I need to decide if or when to buy a car, should it be new, or used, car or truck, gas hog or gas miser, 4wd or 2wd, one or two. As with most things in life we often over prepare or under prepare for the unexpected.  Remember the debacles of the Y2K thing.  This will definitely be an ongoing decision making process. Wish we could power the world on bullshit, Lord knows we have plenty of that to spare. This is going to put a real kink in my New Years resolution...............

                                               It could happen

Zombies....Are you prepared?

Thank God its Friday!  I am watching another zombie movie, which is ironic as I feel like a zombie. The walking dead, a good way to describe myself by Friday.  I have always been a horror movie fan, the kind of horror that consist of vampires, werewolves, mummies, zombies, you know the kind of things that can't really happen. I occasionally watch the other kind, you know the real gore, but I prefer giant snakes, zombies and such. Who doesn't love to be scared. It helps to release tension, a good scream when your scared or cheering for the heroine to save the day, there's nothing better. Although, I never thought I see the day when vampires could walk in the sun, and zombies could outrun the living, it just shows that classic monsters can still hold their own even in the 21st century. When my brother was very sick with cancer, he and I would stay up all night when he couldn't sleep and watch scary movies, when I visited him. It was our time. It helped us to escape from something far more scary than a movie, real life.Unfortunately in this world, there are plenty of real monsters for us to be afraid of, who do things that chill us to the bone. My husband asked me why I watched so many horror movies, I told him so I could be ready when the zombies came.  My brother and I are confident we can save everyone from them, because we have seen all the how to manuals on late night fright T.V.  So, zombies beware, even the really fast ones, cause my brother and I have game, and were ready.  It's great to know someone always has your back.......and Oh yeah Scooby Doo where are you????????? It never hurts to have a little something extra in your corner.

                                                 DID YOU SAY ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

707........

$7.07, that is how much I was worth at 7:07 am this morning. By 8:00 am, $7.00 of gas later, I was worth .07 cents. Its a good thing payday is tomorrow, or I might be walking to work.  How quickly money goes these days.  Two kids in college, one in high school, 4 vehicles, 3 dogs, 1cat, a house and lots of bills.  Juggle, juggle, juggle its exhausting. Every Friday means a balancing act, because ultimately an unexpected bill is coming.  This Friday, its my car.  It broke down yesterday in the snowstorm on the way home. By the time Monday gets here, I will already be trying to figure out how I am making it to Friday again. I made finances one of my News Years resolution, because I figure there's got to be a better way.  So I am starting by focusing on the good news, which is I have .07 cents, the bad news is I have .07 cents.  OK, my goal for next Friday is to have $5.00 and put it in a savings account, I am not sure how I am going to do it, but I am determined to do it. I like to think I was one latte away, but I can't stop drinking something I don't drink in the first place. I think I will try to trim the grocery bill by $5.00, after all that helps me with my other resolution. So, say a pray that my car won't cost an arm and a leg, because I think I would literally have to give them my arm and leg to pay the bill, what does something like that go for these days?

                                                         

Snow Days...........

Today was a bad weather day, the kind as a kid we prayed for, the kind as an adult we dread.  Its funny how quickly things change when you become a grown up. We worry about how will we get to work, who will watch the kids, how we will get home, how much  more heat we are having to use, and many more things, none of which are pleasant. Unless your job gets its revenue from bad weather, we suffer from memory loss about the joy that a snow day used to bring. Nothing is more beautiful than when a snow first falls and its early morning.  It is if time is standing still.  The stillness can be breath taking. The canvas the snow creates allows us to see the beauty of things we tend to take for granted, a cardinal, a deer, the lines of a tree, the layout of the landscape, how it covers all the not so pretty things and makes them look beautiful for a while, its magical. We all need to see the beauty in everything once in a while, it helps to enhance our perspective of the world we live in. There are some of us in the world that can see the beauty in everything all the time, but others of us need a little help. Snow is one of those things that can do that if we let it. Of course we all can argue that soon it becomes nasty, dirty and can hang on long past its welcome, but what can we say that description doesn't apply to sometimes.  The main thing we should try to do is view all things with both visions, good and bad. That span of perspective will take you a lot further in life and give you more unexpected joy than you knew existed. The world is what we make it, and that includes people, places and things. So choose the joy of a snow day that a child sees before you face the reality of going to work in it.............because perspective is the only thing that's going to change the day for you.......

                                                                       No words needed

How many licks........................

How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? As kids many of us watched this commercial as the wise old owl took the shortcut to the prize by biting the tootsie pop instead of licking it to the center. In this fast paced life, we are all looking for a shortcut to the prize we seek. Whether we are trying to lose weight, or have more money, get a new car, big house or a trip to Hawaii, we are often easily lead down the path of a quick fix to meet our goal.  Our society is full of get rich quick schemes, lose weight fast, get the house or car of your dreams tomorrow, and so on. Our children have all been raised in a society that you get it now, pay later and doing without is blasphemy. Our kids think they should make more without trying, and that they will always get what they want. Most of us in middle age have worked hard to give our children all their needs and wants, the problem with that is most of them now expect to live the lifestyles we worked so hard to achieve without the expectation of starting at the bottom and working their way up.  They want the biggest house and the best car and the great vacations and the large pay starting out. They do not want or even know how to do without. Cell phones, cars, new clothes and great jobs, not a reward of hard work but an expectation because they deserve it.  I certainly feel as a parent and a society we have failed our children by wanting them to have all the things we didn't, but not teaching them that they need to shoulder some of the responsibility that is necessary to receive, purchase and maintain these things. Life can be a lot of things good and bad, but the most important thing we can do for ourselves and our children is teach them to be prepared for whatever the day brings.  So be patient and remember we are the ones that taught them to crunch quickly instead of licking slowly for the reward........and in real life it usually takes a lot of licks to get to the prize

                                          The World may never know..................................

Puppy Love

If you are an animal lover you can appreciate that I am referring to an actual puppy in the title.  I was sitting here wondering what to write about today and two of the cutest eyes looked up at me and I knew.  Everyday I start my day with the babies (you met them in an earlier post) Bearfoot, Mopsy,  and Shilo.  They have to snuggle with me in the morning for a few minutes before I get up.  When I come home they are waiting for me at the door.  They let me know how happy they are to see me, and that helps to melt away the trials of the day. They sit with me on the couch and comfort me, and all they ask in return is that I love them.  I think I can take that unconditional love for granted and probably seldom think about how much I need them and how much they mean to me.  The love is kinda of like when your children are babies and they just love being with you, close to you, that's all they need. It takes so little to make them happy and they give a lot in return. Sometimes loving them can be a challenge, when they need a bath, or they get into the trash and oh yeah when they keep you awake at night. But they accept all your faults without concern.  They never think you are fat or poor, ugly or sickly, they just think you are absolutely fabulous.....they make it easy when you are with them to bask in your own wonderfullness through their eyes.  I like and need the view from their eyes ...because its not always so great through mine.  So remember to return the favor once in a while and let them know how special they are, that would be a great New Years Resolution!

Today is the first day of ..............yada, yada, yada

Today was weigh in day.  Verdict, no weight loss, again. There is no excuse, I have to get serious this week.
What exactly do I need to say to myself, what will be the pregame talk that works. I wish I knew. I think the bottom line is its time to face facts, I'm overweight and not just by a few pounds.  There is not a magic pill or bogus diet that is going to work.  Sheer willpower to do what I have to is the only thing that is going to work.  I question if I have that for myself.  There are many things I have been able to do for my family that has been hard.That is because I was doing it for them, or my love for them.  I read an article today about a women that had a brain anabolism and lived.  She described how the near death experience changed her life.  I read the story wishing I could have had such an experience that would make doing the right thing for myself easy.  The truth of the matter is I did have a near death experience. At 42 I had a heart attack.  The doctors told me, had I not realized I was having a heart attack, my next one would have been certain death, my heart would have exploded. That should have scared me straight so to speak, but it didn't. Two stints later and 12 pills a day,it makes me wonder, what the hell is wrong with me? I have so much fight for others and none for myself. I want to be able to get pass that and find myself worth the fight. I need to do this and I am running out of time.
Tomorrow, I am really going to try to make an honest effort to help myself.  The only person who can fight this fight is me and the only person who can save me is me. That scares the hell out of me.If only it were as easy as saving someone else.......say a pray for me to be strong. Till tomorrow

UBU- ILLBME

Meredith Brooks song- I'm a Bitch is my anthem. Sounds harsh, but not really-(the words)
" I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother,I'm a sinner, I'm a saint..I do not feel ashamed. I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between..you know you wouldn't want it any other way.  So take me as I am. This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man, and rest assured when I start to make you nervous and I'm going to extremes' tomorrow I will change and today won't mean a thing."
We as humans are so multifaceted and our moods and emotions run the gammon from A to Z.  One of the hardest things for us to learn to do is take people as they are. Good, Bad, Wrong, Right, everyday can be different, and being flexible and willing enough to adjust to people and their varied moods is difficult and tiring.  When peoples moods are suited, it's easy to get along, when you are both in different places so to speak, it usually results in one of you having to compromise. The real trouble with relationships, Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Friend, Lover, Wife, or Husband is when the relationship is one sided and you are always the one compromising. We need to be aware when we are falling into that role of being the "bitch" all the time, or the complainer, or the martyr or all the really bad things we can be and remember the other roles we need to be.  We also need to let others in our lives have their turn at being a 'bitch' or whatever and we need to support that.  That is the only way we can truly enjoy life and those around us, is to be the supporter and the supported, the sinner and the saint....you get what I'm going for here.
Life is about riding the roller coaster and letting others have their turn too.
UBU and ILLBMe............that's what makes the world go round...

Handy reference chart

                                                             

Crawl your way out of one hole just to fall into another

Ever feel like you are drowning in all the obligations that you have?  Work, cook, clean, drive, wash, help and so on. It can seem overwhelming, and you feel as if the oxygen is being sucked from the room. You prioritize and reorganize, reschedule and just plain drive yourself insane trying to do it all.  You wake up one day and you ask yourself "Am I so busy doing things for people, that I have no time left to do anything with people."  Do you often times find yourself hosting the party instead of enjoying it?  Are you working all the time even when you are suppose to be with your family? Many of us can answer that with a yes. The day comes when we will ask ourselves what and who are we doing this for.  Unfortunately, we may find the answer is not what we wanted to hear, that we are doing it for people who would rather have the time with us.  Do they care that you are working to make more money to provide them with more, probably not.  Things fade quickly through the years in our memories, but not the time we spend with people.  I want my family to remember time spent together,being there when they needed me and not always having to wait for me to finish a phone call, a work assignment or another volunteer project I was asked to do. Because time passes quickly, and time with our family and friends is fleeting and short lived at best, and because being everything to someone is better than being something to everyone in the end. So take time to smell the roses, instead of always trying to grow them, in the end the smell of the rose is sweeter than the smell of the manure it takes to grow them.

Money Talks

If money talks, then what is it saying?  I could answer, I don't know, because I never have it long enough to hear anything but the swish of it leaving my hand.  Many of us have the same problem, not enough money for kids, school, house, clothes, food,gas, insurance,cars.......and on and on and on. Money makes the world go round, but how do you get off the spinning axis? I hope to be able to answer that question at the end of this journey. Money is something I have never been able to keep, as I am so willing to give it away.  I feel compelled to help anyone close to me that asks, even if it puts me in a position of having to juggle finances to meet my own obligations. I find it very hard to say no to them.  It makes me feel as if I am letting them down and not taking care of them as I should. I must have an aura that screams sucker, people I don't even know ask me for money.  I was in the grocery store last Saturday and a women asked me to please give her money for the bus.  It was only $2.00, but I did not even hesitate, I gave it to her freely.  This is the part I need to work on, that it is OK to say no, it doesn't mean I am a bad person or I am not meeting the needs of my family or others.  The key word  in that equation is needs not wants. Because sometimes in meeting the wants of those around you, it makes you ill prepared to meet the needs that often come up unexpected.  I just want to be able to meet the unexpected a little better prepared, because one things for certain, the unexpected always shows up. Maybe its possible for me to change at 46 years old and maybe its not.  I will settle for just being a little better.

Inspection.......

Whenever I hear the word inspection, it usually invokes anxiety.  Inspection of anything means your looking for imperfections.  Imperfection....who would want to hear that word.... ever.  Our society pushes perfection and nothing short. We have been getting ready for a big inspection at work. Every day brings the inspection closer and the anxiety higher, by the time we reach D-Day we will be wound tighter than a drum.  Why do we care so much? Why are we convinced that one left out detail and we will fail the inspection,that doom lies just around the corner? Perfection is the coveted trophy that remains elusively out of reach.  Why, because it is completely subjective for the most part.  It all depends on who is doing the grading , determining  or basically who will be successful at making the cut as determined by the judges. How devastating it can be to feel we have worked to achieve perfection only to find out we fell short. It is human nature to judge more harshly than we would want to be judged.  After all someone did give us the "job" of judging, whether it be for pay or by request, and we want to do our best.  Which usually means we need to find something imperfect in order to feel we are good at the job of inspecting.  Who would need an inspection if they already thought they were perfect?  And thus the ugly catch 22, so to speak, rears its ugly head. We need to work to do and be our best, but most of all we need to work on accepting what we have done and feel confident in the result. That way what ever the result of the inspection can be something we chose to change or merely be food for thought.
After all we are only human which is perfection and imperfection rolled into one. Depending on the day, mood,time, and judge perfection is in the eyes of the beholder.  So look in the mirror once in a while and smile.

                                 Make Perfection a state of mind and not a destination!

Dear Victoria

Who of us has not heard of Dear Abby or Ann, where people write in for advise on their problems.  I have been a giver of advice for many years.  I actually put a lot of effort and thought into viewing the situation from both sides of the fence to give the best advice possible.  But as the old saying goes "the shoemakers kids have no shoes", I tend to give advice but seldom ever heed it to myself.  Why is it so easy to help others but not ourselves?  That is probably an age old question, that scholars will debate until the end of time.  Maybe its as simple as its better to give than receive, even if we are the recipients of our own gift of taking care of ourselves.  That is probably where the  old saying comes from "we are our own worst enemy".  Which is absolutely true, until we decide we are willing to take care of  and help ourselves.  Society gives us so many conflicting analogies of how to live our lives, do for others, not ourselves, but take care of yourself, so you are able to take care of others.  We often times find it hard to do both.  People who take care of themselves in all aspects of life are often considered self centered and uncaring to the world around them. People who take care of others and not themselves are considered selfless saints who neglect themselves.  How do we find a balance between being self centered and selfless.  How do we find a way to take care of ourselves and our problems while helping others?  Most times just doing one or the other is consuming and exhausting.  That is because society tells us to do the best we can, its all or nothing.  I think our salvation lays somewhere between all and nothing, just with something.  What does that mean?  That doing something for others and something for yourself, is the answer.  It does not have to be the alpha and the omega, just somewhere in the middle.  Can we actually condition ourselves to be OK with the middle?  I sure hope so, because I think that the answer to fix my problems is somewhere in the middle of here and there.

                                                    

Sorry I missed you

I am writing two blogs today because yesterday I missed writing a blog.  My commitment was to write everyday. I missed yesterday because I had a terrible migraine. I have not had one that bad in a very long time. I learned through the years to manage my stress better.  When I was younger I used to get them all the time, so bad that I would see spots and throw up.  I was very envious of my sons girlfriend who told me recently she has never had a headache, and she is 19 years old.  What a glorious thing that would be. As I said, mine are closely related to stress.  When I am stressed, after I get through the stressful time I usually wind up with a migraine headache. Unfortunately, my two oldest sons have inherited the migraine headaches. Not such a great trait to pass on.  About 10 years ago, I had a very severe migraine and during that episode I had a vision that I should be writing a journal. I just remembered that today when I was thinking about what to write about yesterday.  Well,I am finally writing a journal of sorts, lets see where it leads me.  Life has a way of circling in behind you and kicking you in the ass sometimes to make you move forward in the direction you are suppose to be going............Giddy up

It's all in the details....

How many times have we heard that its all in the detail, but how many of us really believe that?  Well me for one. When I've stayed up late working on a Halloween costume or preparing a birthday party or working on a special gift,in my mind I am already convinced its in the details.  Why,  you might ask yourself, as the recipient seldom notices the specifics of the extra mile you go. They may not notice what the exact details always are, but they know overall that the effort was made and that makes it special.  I think its really about the special. Feeling special is like eating a decadent piece of candy or splurging on something, its warm and its comforting and you know that somewhere someone thinks your worth it. That is something we all need, to be special, not special in the whole worlds eyes, just in our little part of it. Just remember that putting extra effort in the details does not mean making it perfect, it just means making it special for someone special. How does this equate to my journey of self discovery?  Well, in my journey to conquer food, (which by the way netted a 0 loss of lbs this week)I'm gonna try making my eating experiences about the details and not about the food.  Everyday at lunch I gobble down lunch (and every meal for that matter) before my stomach even has a chance to tell my brain...stop I am full!!!!! But everyday I watch a co-worker make her eating experience about the details.  The perfect made sandwich, nice tableware to eat with,  I am also envious about the details she puts in place to make her lunch so appetizing and enjoyable. I asked her about it and she though I was making fun of her.  I told her no, I would like to learn to emulate her mealtimes.  I need to make eating about the details and not just the process.  She told me her mother taught her that, what a great thing to learn from your mother, and what a great thing to pass on to a friend. I think this will be the first time the details will be from me to me........maybe the lesson in that is you need to find yourself special sometimes and not just others....You know that old saying you have to Love Thyself......I working on that one.

I envy the octopus.....

Are you ever pulled in so many directions that you don't know whether you are coming or going, or been there and come back?  It happens to most of us as we have many relationships in which to maintain, Father, Mother,Son, Daughter, Grandmother, Grandfather, Friend, Coworker, Boss and on and on. The one thing that is a constant in all those relationships is that they require our time and attention in some way.  If your children are little, your parent or spouse is sick, your job is stressful, or a family member is alone, or many other things that make up life,  we find these people need more of our time.  What we forget sometimes is that the other people who are in our lives, need us to maintain our relationships with them if even in a small way.  A quick note, I love you or a thank you can go along way in letting them know " you are important to me."   I have found myself in the situation of going to long without contact and missing out on being needed or being needy without the value of that relationship that could have helped us both.  People can't be replaced but we tend to treat them as if they can, and I think that is really sad.  When someone needs me and I am feeling that I can't for whatever reason, I have started asking myself if they were gone from this world tomorrow, would I be OK with the last contact we had?  What am I doing that is more important than they are?  After I ask myself those questions my final reminder is this-remember to enjoy this person and your time together, DO NOT let the pace of life cause you to miss out on the joy that comes from good and bad times with people you care about.  So as my last note, I envy the octopus because they have many arms in which to reach out and have contact with the people in their life all at once... constant contact........of course the down side is we would all have to be underwater.  Always ask yourself is the glass  Half Full or Half Empty... Always answer Half Full!!

                                                                        

More information than I needed to know

How many times has someone told you more information that you needed to know?  Some people crave and thrive on all the information they can get of a personal nature.  Others of us just want the facts, while some of us are quite content in total oblivion. What does all this really mean? I think it means we all have secrets.  There are times when we need to keep them, and times when we need to give them away to someone else.  The dilemma in this is that we as the teller of the information are in control of when we need to release it, we as the recipient are not always ready to receive the information. So we often times find ourselves in that awkward situation of hearing something we really don't want to or that may offend us on some level.  I think we have all crossed the line of giving too much information, in essence purging ourselves, saying something out loud often times frees us from its clutches. It makes us able to see we won't be swallowed whole or consumed by it when we set it free.  So I think as the receiver of that information, we maybe need to look at it as we are helping them to move on and our embarrassment, upset or whatever emotion the information spurs in us will pass. Even so there are some things no one ever wants to hear, but there is nothing that can be quite forever.........nothing
Big or small, happy or sad, beautiful or ugly, gigantic or minuscule, important or irrelevant, appropriate or not, the words will eventually find their way to speech, even if only for a brief moment and almost surely to the wrong person in the most inappropriate way. The secret will free itself and quickly become yesterdays news. So this blog is my attempt at setting my demons free and letting others hear my secrets, so they will not longer control me and I can be free of them for a while........So remember in the days to come if you can't believe I said what I said..... fair warning,  I will be giving away more information than you ever needed to know.   Do me a favor and just listen and maybe I will find some success at the end of this journey 

Small Things

Today started out as a not so good day. I still was not feeling well.  But then something wonderful happened that changed that. Dalton. My youngest son has definitely had his share of challenges in his life that were out of his control. Today was a great day for him, he was on top for a change and not playing catch up.  It suited him.  It reminded me that all the small things are what defines greatness, and I hope that he has many more successes in which to enjoy.  When we do everyday task that are easy to us, we never think about how many people must work twice as hard to do the same thing.  We never think about handicaps that are not easily spotted.  Maybe our eyesight is a challenge, maybe our joints are stiff, maybe we are not social butterflies or  maybe there are lots of maybes we can't imagine or even comprehend. We are all looking for the big things to happen sometimes we are so in search of them to change us and change our lives we miss the small things.  The things that make our lives wonderful. We really must appreciate the small things and how difficult they can be to achieve for many of us. Today, my son made me forget that I did not feel good, and instead remember how wonderful he is, how many challenges he overcomes and how proud I am of him.  We need to remember the small things, which can be very big wonderful things indeed. It's just so beautiful when that boy smiles.  Today that smile is more important than my journey, him reaching a milestone on his journey. I am so thankful....... today turned out great!!
 Point to ponder in small things- What would the Mona Lisa be without her smile?

A Kiss Goodnight

10 hours of work and 10 Hershey kisses later and I am ready to call it a day.  I am pretty sure I should have never began the day.  When I got up I knew it was going to be one of those days. A day that would be a struggle to get through.  I am exhausted today physically and mentally.   I don't remember being this tired for a long time.  I struggled today with speech, imagine me at a lost for words.  It was very unnerving to stumble with finding the words to deal with people throughout the day. I plan on taking a sleeping pill tonight and hopefully I will feel back to myself tomorrow.  I don't think I could go through another day feeling like today.  As for the diet I think the 10 Hershey kisses says it all..........well 15 kisses... five more while I was working on this.
Too tired to think anymore... see you tomorrow.

The sound of music....

My love affair began when I was very little, with music boxes. I love music,  all kinds oldies, rock, country,spiritual, some rap, and even opera thanks to Jackie Evancho from Americas Got Talent.  Some songs words are not worth hearing, as a music minister once said God likes all music, just not all the words. Songs give us comfort and release and we tend to relate to different songs at different times according to our life's current events. They comforted us when we were sad, helped celebrate when we were happy and helped us to express ourselves when our own words failed us.  Songs can cross generations, ethnicity, gender and sexual orientation. We play them for others to relay feelings, for whatever reason we can't. We dance to them, cry to them, hibernate, fornicate, drive,sleep,eat, walk, run, giggle, play along, sing along, and enjoy others.  It is hard to believe that not that many years ago, music was not the mainstream, but listened to in secret.  Music is one of the final frontiers of freedom of speech, if we listen to the words they are often times prolific and speak to us on a primal level. But one of the best things music can do, is help us remember the feeling of something we hold dear, a place in time, a moment that defined us in some way that changed us forever for better or worse. That song will eventually play somewhere at the most unexpected time and we are transported to the feeling,the person, the place, good or bad.  We learn and grow from all those experiences and they become part of the fabric we are made of.  I know that whatever I get from this journey I am on, that a song will have me define and remember it always.  I hope its a good memory of how I conquered a few of my demons, but its too soon to tell... So stay turned, we can go down this road together.(I'm sure that lines been used in a thousand songs)

                                                     

Turning off your brain

I am a night worker.  At night after I go to bed, I often times spend that quite time going over the work I need to get done the next day.  I find that by the time I actually get to sleep, its time to wake up and go to work.  At this point,  I am so tired from working all night, I find it hard to get motivated in the morning. I often try various tricks to settle my mind into sleep..... I listen to music, count sheep,think boring thoughts, no matter what I try, sleep is often elusive.  On a rare occasion I will try a sleeping pill, but even then my mind fights it and I have wild dreams and when I wake up I feel like my head is in a box.  What's the answer, I wish I knew.  Many of us struggle with a mind that just won't stop.  I often times have my most brilliant ideas at night, unfortunately I forget most of them by the time the sun rises.  I should talk into a tape recorder so I could remember, but I'm sure my husband wouldn't care for that idea at all. Sleep is suppose to be rejuvenating, and about once a month I am fortunate enough that my exhaustion takes over, and I sleep the most wonderful sleep......my husband does not find it wonderful however as he claims I snore loud enough to rattle the windows. Along with the 3 dog circus and the foodpires that live at my house....uninterrupted sleep for me is elusive.  I will continue to try to find the answer, I bet if I could find the answer to rejuvenating uninterrupted sleep I could market it and be well on the way to conquering one of my New Years resolutions.  I guess I will continue to sleep with one eye open and brain cells burning until I find the secret to turning off my mind....

Siblings.....

Siblings is something most of us have according to the population numbers.  When we were young it was a love/ hate relationship, seldom anything in between.  But I knew for all the things we did to each other (being the youngest I was on the receiving end most of the time) we still had each others backs... no matter what.  Apparently my sibling rivalry began while I was still in the womb.  My brother told my parents that the neighbor was going to trade me for a bird.  When they said no, the deal was sweetened to a bird, rabbit and a turtle. When they refused that deal, my fate was sealed, who wants a crying baby when they could have a menagerie instead?  Siblings are where we learn our most basic life skills that will serve us in dealing with the big bad world that awaits us.  We learn to wait, share, apologize, envy,love, hate, lie and everything in between.   There are few relationships in our lives that will encompass all the things that occur between siblings. For the lucky ones of us that survive our childhoods and are fortunate to come out with a relationship with our siblings in tact, it carries us through a lifetime. They are there for us, and us for them through thick and thin, through all the things life send our way.  Knowing this my husband and I spent a lot of time trying to cultivate that relationship between our 3 sons.  Although we thought the day would never come, the last year has brought with it a tie between the brothers that has evolved to the beginnings of  a new chapter in their lives, when they actually can enjoy each other, and in ours where the break up of fights are fewer and further apart.
It gives us solace in knowing that when we are no longer in the picture,and for that matter while we are still in the picture, that the boys will have each other. I know that my brothers wouldn't trade me for anything now, nor I them.  This story came to mind after weeks of harmony between the boys they had a slip today, but they worked it out without our intervention after going to their respective corners(rooms) they are back together  enjoying each others company.   As to my goal for the week, if almost counts, I almost lost my goal of 3 lbs (I lost 2.8 lbs) in spite of myself this week.  This gives me inspiration to try harder next week. So I will set next weeks goal at 3 lbs again.  Finances are still being tracked daily, and saying no is coming a little easier.... but lets face it 9 days of change is a drop in the bucket and I am sure the trials and tribulations are yet to come.  See you Monday.....I think I need to go now and call my brothers....

                                                              To my brothers..... I glad we have each other and I love you!

Feeling a little Salty......

Do you ever notice than when you are feeling a little Salty (thanks Nadia, I like this word better than grumpy) that the people you care about can be "salted" by you without your meaning to do it. The old saying "If Momma ain't Happy Nobody's Happy" like most sayings carries a lot of weight in the real world. What about the saying "Misery Loves Company" when we are feeling salty it sometimes comforts us that others are seeing things our way.  But let me add that nobody likes a "wet blanket" all the time. Then you just become the person everybody avoids at all costs.  We have all known somebody like that, hopefully not ourselves.  But being salty every once in a while, I personally feel is a good thing, it gives you a change to release and recharge.  Of course one can never know what will happen to make us feel that way, sometimes it catches us off guard.  For me it is usually cumulative.  As Popeye says " I stands all I can stands and I can't stands no more".  I personally think if I could try being salty a little more often to work through things, when things are not going to my plan then I could stop eating whats bothering me so to speak and save my waistline the excess baggage. Not to mention impulse buying to help release the anxieties of a particularly stressful day. It seems I keep finding my way back to the word balance, and that's what I think we all are struggling to achieve, that Nirvana or Utopia where the scale that controls our lives sets perfectly in the middle, where all is well. I wonder as human's why we strive to be something by design we are not....perfect.
I am hoping that at the end of this years journey the balance I reach is just one that is a little easier to live with than the one I currently have.......and if not...well, I'm only human after all....

                                                                       enough said

Everytime I think No...it comes out as yes

How many times do we think no but by the time it makes the journey from our brain to our mouth it sounds exactly like yes? Mom can I have.....no,no,no,no...yes. We tell ourselves we want our kids to have everything we can possibly give them, after all we love them more than anything.  What we forget to remind ourselves is that our kids love us more than anything too.  They are looking to us to set the boundaries and the guidelines after all they are children.....right?  Well, I found out that I am not so good at setting boundaries when it comes to telling them no to something they want, which is why I find myself with the New Years resolution of fiscal responsibility.

But what I recently found out from my children is that they are OK with the word No and OK with getting less....imagine that! I am the one who has the biggest problem with feeling I am letting them down.
I am finding out they take it because I give it to them but they are OK with doing without it because they love me. Now comes the the harder part for me relearning that I am not a bad parent because I have to say No.  That its natural for a parent to want to give their children everything that they can. But we need to remember that includes educating them on being fiscally responsible and that sometimes we do without because we have to.    It will not be an easy for me.  I am a giver. If you are a giving personality its what you know and you do it well. I am day 7 into change so keep your fingers crossed I make it through the weekend without breaking my budget.
Its not that they always ask, its just something I feel compelled to do. Changing your nature, something that is part of your core being, I know that is one of the biggest challenges we can ever face.  I don't want to really change my nature as much I want to be able to learn a more balanced way to live with who I am.
So here's to hoping for a little growth on my part ( and I don't mean physically) Lets hope I can make a little better progress on that front as well.....So whosoever out there...strength is in numbers....more dollars and less pounds...and I need all the help I can get!

                    Awe.....Money the root of all Evil....must be why being evil sometimes feels so good!

Mothers and their babies

If you are a mother then you already know that your children will always be your babies.  My mother is 76 years old and I am 46 and I am still her baby, as are my brothers. If  I am sick or hurting, in trouble or sad she wants to fix it, and make it better.  My boys are 15, 20 and almost 24 and I feel the same way, they are my babies and always will be.  The dilemma comes into play when you don't allow them to grow and mature.  Its a delicate balance between maintaining the status of being someones baby, someones significant other, someones sibling, someones parent, and someones friend. The bottom line is we can be good at these roles  sometimes... but not always at the same time.
 When we have not fared as we would like in some of the roles, its the role of being someones baby that we often need to comfort us into trying again.  When we are children we can't wait to grow up and be independent, but we find that with independence comes hardships, and hard choices and some hard knocks. That is when we find out that the Mothers in our lives (whoever they may be) we so desperately wanted to be independent of are exactly who we reach out for to ground us and tell us everything will be OK.  Even if its not, just having them in your corner makes it bearable.I often tell people when they say they wish they were young again, that I would love to have my young body but keep my old mind.  Lessons we learn in life are seldom free, the prices are often high and for everything we gain something is lost.  I cherish every lesson, and I try to remember as my boys are learning theirs, that I need to let them.  And when they don't turn out as they planned they can still be my babies and I can let then know everything will be OK.... and it will.. Maybe not what they wanted. but OK just the same.
Lest not forget my demons that I am 5 days into to battling....
Tomorrow is payday and I already have a budget in place... but lets not kid ourselves, I always do and before the weekend has ended its gone to hell in a hand basket.  The true test will be making it through the weekend with the budget in tact..... Might mean saying no to the boys when I really want to say yes....
To the diet again.  The doctor says its as simple as in and out... Burn the calories you take in and you will be fine. I am scared to figure it out but I think I would have to remain in constant motion to burn up the calories I am taking in.  I am trying, I am at least tracking what I am taking in everyday.... baby steps, baby steps, yes Mom, I know I can do it..

How many reports would it take to reach space?

I am so sick of paperwork. Remember computers were suppose to help us use less paper.  Maybe the invention of the computer was funded by money from the paper mongols in order to trick us in to ultimately using more paper. Crazy?  yes, like a fox.  I don't know about you, but I can churn out a rain forest in one afternoon at work. I have to ask myself, do they ask for all these reports because they really use them or because they can? I wonder as I find myself having to give the same information over and over chewed up and spit out in a different format so all the people in the chain of command can receive the information how they want it.  What ever happened to everybody gets the same report?  Computers I tell you, they have made the expectation for us to read faster, type faster, produce faster and on and on and on.  Now don't get me wrong I LOVE MY COMPUTER when I get to use it for what I want.  The endless report thing, not so much. I am running out of places to hide the stacks and stacks of reports.  How long are you suppose to keep this stuff 3 years, 5 years. 10 years?????? O My God paper IS KING!! Imagine how big and far into the universe all the paper in the world would reach if it were stacked in one pile. Then the aliens could walk on down the staircase of paper and leave their spaceship parked.  How Green would that be?  It would probably piss Al Gore off, imagine how much money he would lose from not being able to sell them carbon credits.
My work towards change for the day...I am eating prunes... I am hoping I am one long bathroom stop from backing into a smaller clothes size.  As for the diet, not such a good day... damn paper.  Didn't get any windfall today as far as finances go.... damn paper. Wish reports were worth more than the paper they are written on..... I would be one resolution closer to success for the New Year....O Well at least I still have my sense of humor... Until tomorrow.....

Hi I am Al Gore, Welcome to Earth.....